Help is The Sunny Side of Control
Jun 16, 2023
Currently, I'm working with 2 people who are absolute helpers and it shows up with behaviour like that:
- They jump into every gap that opens up in their organisation
- They take over all the burdens from their team
- They stop people from doing something that could lead to unwanted results
- They give advice to everyone - also unsolicited because they know so much
- And it even spreads into the personal area where the same happens with friends or family members
Doesn't sound that bad! And many people tell me they like to help.
Servant Leadership?
It could even could be considered "servant leadership".
Well, everything - including servant leadership - taken too far is dangerous.
And the downside is that it easily becomes exhausting as the helpers forget to take care of themselves and worst case, become a martyr and are frustrated that people don't follow their advice.
This morning on my daily dog walk - where I love listening to podcasts - I heard Brené Brown saying this sentence:
"Help is the sunny side of control" (quoting someone whose name I forgot).
And suddenly, I realized what was going on (of course, also given the context of both people that I am very aware of).
The desire to control can often and easily be masked as HELP.
I did it too (and sometimes still do)
I know I did that to my son for many years. He was not going in the direction (education-wise) that I thought was good for him - hey, when we want someone to move in a certain direction we often have good intentions.
The other side of the coin is that we'd like to have specific results for OURSELVES too. In the example of my son, it was peace of mind - I did not want to have to worry. And - if I'm brutally honest with myself - I also wanted him to "succeed" to look good as a parent.
So - my help was in a way making an effort of controlling the process and his path.
5 Questions to ask yourself
Moving back to leadership:
In my book, leadership is to support and empower others to find the best path and solutions for themselves and to help them grow. And NOT to push my agenda on them or believe that MY way is the best way how things can be done - or even believe, that I'm always right.
Oh, Claudia, that's what I'm doing - people will tell me.
Well, sometimes it's necessary to have a good look in the mirror and ask ourselves some questions:
- Why am I taking care of other people's stuff?
- Is it to prove my worth?
- Do I thinkI don't have value when I don't help?
- Do you think that's your job? Does it need a redefinition?
- Do I need other people's validation to feel good and valued as a leader?
Help is great - when it's appropriate, when it's your place and when it is asked for.
And sometimes it's not.
The art is to have the awareness to discern - one trait that makes a great leader.
